Not feeling very chatty these days.

My days at the computer are becoming less and less. Which, is a good thing, I know. I just don't feel like I have much to contribute and not enough books and projects around here to stay focused on. I spend some time perusing sites but its become idle passing, like watching TV.

I'm being interupted again. Which is another reason I don't post anymore! LOL!

Dreamy evening...

Past few days... not so good. Will post later.

Tonight. We went to bed saying goodnight like the Waltons... except we're all in the same bed. : )
Everyone saying their peace.
I love you, Will
I love you, Jack
I love you, Daddy

I love you, Jack
I love you, Mommy
I love you, Daddy.

I wuv you, Mammie
I wuv you, Daaadie
I wuv you, Wih

I love you, Will
I love you, Jack
I love you, Mommy

Such chaos.

Today was very, very hard. I don't want to feel like this all the time.

Um.

I just switched to Beta Blogger and I don't really know what it is or why I should have it. But supergrrlst (sorry, I know I spelled that wrong) told me to so I did. But now why is it showing her as anonymous now? I'm soooo slow....

Went to All Soul's Church today - http://allsoulskc.org/ - it was a good experience. Will loved the Sunday School, and Jack did too as long as I was there with him... Jack and I tried to take in the the service (a celebration of Our Lady of Guadalupe! Beautiful!) but Jack kept crying for WIll... and the cool train set in the play room. So I pretty much missed most the service, which is a typical. Hopefully Mark can go next week and we can tag team. We've been going to Unity on and off for awhile. But I'm not so keen on their Sunday School. We should try the one on the Plaza.

This week I have no idea what we are doing. How about that?

Busy Being.

Lots of play around here - gotta love snow days. Laundry, cooking, thinking about Christmas. Nesting, with lots of fires. I don't leave Lee's Summit much these days it seems.

I miss Lake Farm and look forward to it starting up next month sometime. I dream about sending Will to school there, or some Enki kind of school. I am preparing to be more organized next year with our rhythm, circle time and... crafts.

And when not mothering...

I'm obsessing over my latest thrift store find... a huge collection of Pflatzgraff dishes and serving ware. I scored and we now have - for once in my life - matching service for 8, matching cookery, and even candle stick holders, butter dish, pitcher, salt and pepper shakers, and more, oh my! All for the low, low price of $50.

I am an obsessive housewife. How DID this happen????


http://www.microwavecookingforone.com/Pfaltzgraff/PfaltzgraffVillage.html

Hey Julie Mama

Breathing treatments at the ER and all is well now. Jack started coughing (the same freaky hoarsy croupy cough) last night too but nursed (all night) thru it. Both boys are fine today, just tired. Me too. How can they recover so quickly?

Hey Julie Mama

Mark just took WIll into the emergency room. He was totally fine when he went to bed at 7 pm but just woke up at 10:30 and could hardly breathe. A rapsy dry cough. He said they need to get to the dr. fast because he was having a hard time breathing.He said his throat wasn't sore but there was just a *really* big frog in it. I am so glad I am home. I'm shaking. Our babies!!!

ETA: Okay, he fits the description of croup to me. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/8/T084200.asp I did nothing as far as home treatment. Did I panick I don't think so...he's had to get breathing treaments before and I think he will again. It is a scary thing to see your child unable to breathe.

I blame those FUCKING vax's!!!! I'm held in fear for the rest of my life now over those fucking things. I am angry at fucking doctors and now where do I send my baby off to to get taken care of? FUCKING DOCTORS.

Hey Julie Mama

Still puking.

Messy night

Pukeys all night long on every bed in the house. Now its 5 am, and the whole family is sitting downstairs, by the fire, talking about puke.

I am getting my due fill now of pukeys after 4 years of only one (little) puke incident between my 2 boys.

Wiped.

Jack is pukey and poopy. Yesterday was rough for him. He hid behind a chair, puked. We cleaned it up and less than 5 minutes later, he cries out in a world of hurt... splinter in his foot. From the firewood we drag in constantly for the fireplace, I'm sure. It was a bloody mess, a HUGE splinter that I pulled out. Part is still in his foot, and I am desperately hoping it comes out on its own in the next day or so. Otherwise, off to the dr. to remove it as I have read that its better not to put the child thru the torture of an untrained hand digging around for the splinter. Ugh. Feeling weak now. Usually the splinter will expel itself. Cross fingers.

Today we went to Unity Village and walked the labyrinth that is painted on a parking lot in front of the church. It was wonderful. I hope we can do this often in the winter.

Last, I wish I could connect with WIll. I am hoping more structure/rhythm (there is that word again) combined with some more movement activities in the Enki curriculum will hellp us. He wears me out, emotionally, physically. Everything.

Off to read.

Current reads for me include:
My Enki Teaching Guides!!!

The Wisdom of Solitude:A Zen Retreat in the Woods


The Soul's Code: In Search of Character and Calling

Soul's Code has been put on the back burner though since my Enki Guides have arrived. But so far I have LOVED it!

I particularly keep in mind Picasso's quote:

I don't develop. I am.

Kinda Zen, huh?. : )

The boys are reading:
Enki Nature Stories! The first story read read - no pictures at all- had them entralled. I wondered how well they would accept reading with no pictures to look at but it was only slightly questioned and easily accepted.


The Cobweb Christmas


The Children's Book of Virtues

And thier favorite dogs, Spot and Clifford:
Spot

http://www.amazon.com/Cliffords-Puppy-Days-Read-Clifford/dp/0439725259/sr=1-2/qid=1164163425/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2/103-2480950-2852600?ie=UTF8&s=books

And moving on to more FUN stuff...

I can never seem to insert my picture captions with the right pics so here's an overview of what it below, in no particular order. I think you can match it all up...

1) Will loves giving Jack a good hair wash.
2) Ever day, 2 usually naked boys watch out the window and wave good-bye to Daddy. The day Does Not Start until Daddy is properly sent off.
3) Green smoothies with pink straws are the best. Our favorite smoothie - bananas, greens, and pineapple coconut juice. Second favorite (or maybe first?) is bananas, acai, and almond milk.

Go Away Now.

There is nothing like someone coming into your home and judging you and your family to make you realize your priorities. Mark and I have our marital squabbles, but I am thankful that he and I are on the same page as to how we want to raise our children. We may fail over and over again and not live up to even our own expectations, but we will be together, muddling thru, knowing we have each other for support and love.

Will the Worker Guy

Its his favorite thing to do.

Freezing.

This house is cold.

I am cold.

I want warm clothes. Warm blankets. Cozy socks. Lots of layers. Now!

Red Leaves in Autumn!

We have been outside all week at home and only left our nieghborhood today to go down the street for pizza. They boys love the leaves, love climbing trees, love pretending all day long. I have to say it again. Four and Two is fun. Even if I am way too tired.

Mark is out of town again, in Detroit, for some free lance stuff. I don't like that but what can ya do... Will misses him in a terrible way.

Tomorrow more candle making at a friends! A good diversion until Daddy gets home on Saturday. Martinmas at Lake Farm on Saturday night. We have one lantern made and need to finish Will's sometime.

Isn't this sad? I was reading over my little 16 year old sisters Biology paper today and she was explaining bacterial infections, etc. and explained about the build up of bad flora and then went on to say that is why we have medicine like penicillin. Then went on to explain why that medicine takes care of the infection and makes us all healthy again.

She got a 100% on the paper.

Hey Julie Mama

I feel more free today!

I am thankful for feeling more free!

I am thankful for having choices in life!

Hey Julie Mama

http://sti.shambhala.org/how.html

I Walk with Courage.

And a little fear sometimes.

And that's okay.

Weird, waking-up-a-little-more moments happened to me repeatedly today. I am too spiritually confused to know who/what to attribute the phenomena but my entire day today was a lesson on addressing and overcoming fear in one's life.

Seriously, how weird is that after my post early this morning???

In my head all day long, I found myself repeating a favorite quote, "what you resist, persists." : ) More signs continued thru the day, a sermon at Unity on accepting fear, praying in and praying out, more discussions about fear and faith. Inspiration from a young yogi (go see Mystic India at the IMAX).

And at the very end of the day... just as I was returning home, what did I see?

A sticker on the car in front of me --- "We Love Homeschooling!" Trust me - that is not something I have ever, EVER seen in this city. I nearly wanted to chase them down to be their friend. : )

I learned also that those that have courage and lead their purposeful life do not do it without fear. They are COURAGEOUS - not because they are not fearful - but because they go forth despite that fear. Its okay to be scared and sometimes just not know WHAT THE HELL you are doing... but go forth with courage and fear.


Its my birthday today. I am 36 years old.

I am thankful that all I need to do right now in life to face down my fear is simply just accept it.

Not Feeling So Free

Its 4:30 a.m.

I am so naive.

Why would people be so scared of other people's personal decisions? How could where my children get educated affect someone else? Why can't I marry whoever I damn well choose to be my life partner? Doctors are NOT God. And what gives you the right to define God for me anyway? I don't often get political. But I am feeling ever so slightly unsafe in my safe little bubble. What would it be like to live with REAL fear every day of your life?

Tomorrow I'll start what I'm thankful for... I promise.

Enki

I did it. Ordered the enki kindergarten curriculum. Obviously, I have lots of time to read and absorb the material. I am thrilled.

www.enkieducation.org

Sigh.

I have the downstairs clean. In the meantime, the boys took all - absolutely all- of their clothes out of their drawers and piled them on "their" bed. In addition, they got the roll of toilet paper and shredded it to put it on top of the clothes. Making what? I need to take a picture of the devastation.

Halloween pics coming soon.

Itty Bitty Garden Review

I haven't blogged much on the garden thing but it was treading along, growing and mostly thriving all summer. I was satisfied with the results of my first true garden. We harvested a little bit each of:
Zuchinni, until the plant mysteriously died.
Lettuce
Radishes
Carrots
Potatoes
Tiny unimpressive red and green peppers
Cherry tomaotes - which mostly got picked daily and eaten by Will right next to the garden, never making it to the kitchen.
One teeny tiny onion!!!!

We harvested lots of:

Tomatoes. Well, green tomatoes. I had to pick them early or they were turning bad.

Calendula. Lots of it, all summer! I enjoyed growing this. We've made salves and lotions, put in in soaps, and just kept the flowers in a vase on the table.

Basil - lots, and lots of basil! I made pesto and have plenty for the winter, well, plenty if used sparingly.

My green beans didn't make it at all (rabbits) and I had a pumpkin vine growing up until we left for camping in September and it didn't get watered (my dad watered our garden for us but the wild pumpking was growing behind the compost bin - only I knew to water it!).

I am most proud of how well the basil and calendula did. We are digging out now for an herb garden for next year. I will start thinking soon about what I want for next year.

It is so much fun to be trying to think about what to make for dinner, knowing there is nothing in the fridge but just walking out your back door and picking this and that to come up with a great meal. Goodness!

What DID I do today?

Nothing that I planned.

But I:

Went to the chiropractor.
Did my morning chores.
Soaked some pinto beans for cooking this weekend.
Tried on various costume-y type clothes to try to decide what to be for Halloween.
Gave up to the fact that Jack was not going to nap and instead -

Ran errands - picked up my shoes from shoe repair shop, went to Target in a never ending search for diapers that Will won't leak thru (even cloth won't work), returned library books. FInally returned dream shoes back to Zappos, went to bank.
Washed some sheep's wool that we got from Lake Farm School. My house smells like dirty sheep and I love it! This will take several rinses, then we'll start picking it (and hope to eventually card it). Its drying over the playstands now.
Made an ax out of wood (for the handle) and cardboard (for the ax - smart mama) for Will for what should be his Fireman costume, but now it seems he wants to be a Wood Cutter. We'll see. He was so excited.
Cleaned and vacuumed out my messy car.
Made breakfast (oatmeal, yogurt and honey), lunch (okay, leftover chicken and rice) and dinner (bowtie pasta with pesto and spinach) for my family,
I have a clean kitchen now. Mark has promised to empty the dishwasher. Place bets now.

And of course add the various mothering tasks of changing diapers, nursing, wiping bottoms, changing clothes, putting on shoes and coats half a dozen times (an hour), and cleaning up spills, and tending to boo-boos. But now both my boys are in dreamland.

What I really wanted to do was just sit down and have a few minutes to ... think.
That is usually the one task that never seems to get accomplished each day. : )

And now, I am too tired to do it.

Why does everything perfect have to be so expensive?

I would love the boys to have woolen pajamas - the zippered kind. Will loves these kinds of pajamas and its hard to find in his size. But $70 a piece???? $140 for pajamas????? Its just crazy - the economic disparity of how humans live their lives on this earth. I feel guilty. And jealous.

ETA link of pricey jammies: http://www.nordicwoollens.com/big/16244706.jpg

Funny.

I was just looking over my blog and see tht last Thursday I was going nuts. Its been so pleasant around here for the past several days... I would say since last Saturday (Lake Farm School has that affect on us).

Highs and lows are so extreme these days. : )

But now its 7:30 and the kids are hanging on me and not going to sleep... must tend to this....

Coffee lovers?

I need/want a new coffee pot. I am SO done with my french press for many reasons.

Anyone out there still reading my blog? Can anyone recommend a good coffee pot for me?

Mother Love

I am awestruck by all of the amazing women I have met since becoming a mother. We are all so strong and intuitive, and when we slow down, we know our children like no one else ever will. I am connected to all these smart women thru the commonality we all share - heart soaring, heart wrenching love for our families. I watch my mama friends and how they are with their children and am so impressed. I know ALOT of smart mothers! I soak up the knowledge around me. I'm a sponge. I have learned from every woman I have ever met and I love you all.

Day Redeemed

Mark came home and cleaned the kitchen after dinner so I could take a bath - ALONE! We spent the evening outside by a fire with the boys who fell asleep in our arms. Its a beautiful, clear, starry night. There is nothing better than being together in front of a fire.

Hey Julie Mama

My kids are destroying our house. I have yelled more today than ever before. Its so frustrating that Will is a total angel the entire time Jack naps, but as soon as he wakes up... hell breaks loose again. Blah, blah, blah, same old, same old. But man, they are so cute when they are sleeping. : )

Seeking Confidence

One of my biggest (I believe) downfalls is lack of confidence in myself (and bitching too much at my husband). I'm not sure why that is.... and what I can do about it. Daily affirmations, I suppose. But I feel so silly saying those - I think of Chris Farley on Saturday Night Live.

Well, actually... somedays I am bursting with confidence with how I want to live my life. But then its the how I am actually doing it that makes me falter. Anyway, been thinking about that.

Today, though, is good. We made play dough this morning and the boys played with it along with oregano, zuchinni strips and shreds, and cookie cutters. I made a chocolate zuchinni cake while they did that. Its in the oven now.

Off to do the morning routine as we're behind a bit so I could get the cake done and in the oven. The boys have been up since 6 am so its been a full day already.

Dinner? Ratatouille made by mom!

Soapmaking kind of day

My mom and I are making soap. I found olive oil based clear glycerin at Hobby Lobby so we'll try that instead of the cucumber. The cucumber is more milky white - the clear will be fun to try out. We have dried flowers, including calendula from my garden. Also I am going to try melting beeswax this time to add to the soap. I am looking forward to making a lavendar/beeswax/honey soap!

I would like to make some chaptstick for winter too - on Friday a friend and I are attempting lotions and salves. If I can pick up some lip stick containers maybe we can give it a try.

What the...

I keep writing posts and they don't post.

Today:
A.B. Bananas with lots of bouncy blow up things for the kids to play on.
Dinner at Hy-Vee and it was absolutely disgusting.
Mark is at Late Night in Lawrence and got to eat at Free State. Mmmm. Beer.

I wrote a (couple) long drawn out posts about our morning and evening routines. Damn.

Lets see if this boring post goes thru. Of course it will.

ETA: WHAT THE???????? LOOKS LIKE MY POSTS ARE BACK!

House Rhythm to Help a Mommy.

Okay, I hate posting this, I wish I could make it protected because it sounds so bitchy. I don't know what to do to get thru to Mark... and I have to think this thru so here goes...


Morning routine for Daddy:

1. Pajamas either go in the laundry basket, or are to get folded up and put back away. Same with work clothes.

2. Snack dishes are to go back downstairs to the kitchen.

3. If anything gets peed on, it gets cleaned up or put in the laundry room for Mommy to wash later.

4, Take your robe with you to the shower, use the towel in the bathroom and hang back up. Bring any laundry back up to the laundry room.

Evening:
1. Work shoes are to be taken off in the garage.

2. Dinner dishes are to be rinsed and put in the dishwasher. Wipe down table.

3. Beer bottles are to be rinsed out and put in recycling - not left on counter.

4. Dishes in basement are to be brought up every night and put in the dishwasher.

In General:

On Mondays, go thru the WHOLE house and collect trash before taking to curb.


Evening Rountine for the Family:
4 pm - Mommy will go thru and do a house pick up.

5 pm Dinner for the kids, and I'll have a dish ready for Daddy for him to eat when he gets home.

Bedtime routine:

6 pm. Bath.

6:30 play with Daddy, bedtime snack and waters.

6:45 Brush teeth.

7 pm Mouse story, read books. Will sleeps, Jack nurses and lights out.

After Boys are asleep:
Mommy and Daddy do another quick house pick-up.

If Mommy isn't home, dio the bedtime routine up to the reading of books and see how it goes. I

ZZZZZzzzz.

Beyond tired. Between my all night nurser and my insomnia there was no sleep for me. I spent the whole night being pissy with Mark for not cleaning up the dinner dishes and for not putting the lid on my cornbread muffins and drying them out. It that a total chick thing to do or what? Still... I could go on.

Today I started the day feeling very homeschooley unschooley with a trip to the shoe repair shop, and a trip to the hardware store to make keys. The kids love watching "worker guys." Its their passion. heh. We also went to Children's Orchard and got a fireman costume for Will and a bumble bee costume for Jack. They also got new suits for Christmas, and TIES. They are pumped.

We've started digging out for our herb/rain garden. Will dug all day yesterday - and loved talking about what we will plant and where.

But I am ending the day counting down bedtime. Neighbor kids are here now, and soon bath and the whole bedtime routing.

We had the structural engineer come and are happy to learn out house is not falling down. No structural issues at all, whew. So now I am awaiting a quote from the contractor on what its going to cost to re-vamp our basement. Too much, I am sure.

I hope I can sleep tonight.

I bought two pairs of dream shoes:

http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/11860674/c/69375.html

and

http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/15370446/c/6.html

But I am returning them both. Instead I took my old Clark's to the shoe repair shop and although the heels and soles are beyone repair, he's sprucing up the leather so at least they will look good. They are very comfortable.

Time.

Every so often I get that panicky feeling in my stomach when I realize that my babies are growing up and that this time right now - with the chaos, the exhaustion, the cuddles, nursies, laughter, stories, bed jumping, messes; the time when I am so incredibly lucky to be the center of my children's world... is nearing its end. In the scheme of life it doesn't last very long but at the same time... in the scheme of life, it IS LIFE. To its fullest. I on occasion need to wake up and remember this. I have so much love for my family my heart aches.

I hate Okra.

I really thought I liked all vegetables. A couple months ago I couldn't think of a vegetable I didn't like. Kale? Love it in smoothies. Brussel Sprouts? Yum, of course with butter. Okra? Okay, fine, bread and fry the heck out of them and let me dip it in Ranch dressing and I'll eat them. I suppose.

But after weeks of getting Okra from my CSA, I know, without doubt. I hate okra. Those chewy fuzzy little things. Ick.

My mom is dehyrdating all my okra and we thought I could just puree it into a powder for soups. We'll see.

We need shoes.

Oooff. Dream shoes will be very expensive. I want soft star shoes Orion boots for the boys.

http://www.softstarshoes.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&Product_ID=513

After 5+ years of wearing Clarks shoes, its time for me to have new ones. I want Earth shoes.

http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/11860674/c/42392.html

I could really, really justify these purchases.

A Kink Named Jack

Bedtime was 8:45 last night despite the fact that we started the routine a 6 pm, and that Will was very tired. However, little Jack can't go all day with no nap, falls asleep and then is up and ready to go in the evening. Our house is so small that all his chattering and banging around brings his big brother back downstairs to play. So Lincoln Logs it was until late last night.

Made pancakes today and have a chicken in the crock pot covered with cocunut milk ginger, chili powder, garlic, lemon juice and a little salt and pepper.

Today:
Home, morning routine.
A nice long walk with the boys.
Get grocery list together - need Vitamin E for making lotions and salves tomorrow.
Bookshelf needs organized.
Clean bathroom.

Yesterday I rearranged the living room so the couch faces the fireplace. Ready for winter!.

We should do something crafty today.

sigh. freaking out husband.

mark and i just watched a beautiful dvd I bought about Enki education... I am interested in their homeschool curriculum.

well it backfired on me. he loved the video, was blown away by the "immersion-mastery" approach but is now certain that we are not cut out to homeschool will, that he is too social and will want to be around his peers. mark thinks we ( or really, I if he was to be truthful ) lack the organization and knowledge and patience. what he wants, is to send will to a school like Enki, or Waldorf.

Okay, honey, fine with me. but we'll have to move out of state and make about $20,000 more a year....

i will let him calm down. and i am off to order some Holt and Gatto books to keep sitting out on the coffee table. maybe one of these nights he'll actually pick one up.

humf.

Don't you hate it when...

Maybe I'm the only one that does this, but as I was just nursing Jack down for the night, I "blogged" in my head a great blog entry. But now I'm too tired or disinterested to go into it all over again. Not that it was sexy exciting or anything. But it covered some key things I've been thinking about.

Anyway.

Our 7 pm bedtime goals over the weekend did fairly well considering it was the weekend, and a busy one at that. The boys fell asleep in the car last night on our way home at about 7:30 pm. Wiped out after a full day. But today, Jack was sooo tired and napped at 4 pm so he ended up going to sleep later, by 8:20. Will was asleep by 7:45 pm, and it would have been earlier it it wasn't for his monkeying around little brother.

We moved Jack's new twin mattress into our room, put his bed up on top of a piece of plywood, and cinder blocks to be level with our king bed. We can now all sleep togeteher without being squished. I'm hoping that if Jack has his own mattress he won't wake with all my moving around. Will sleeps smashed up to Daddy, so I have plenty of room. Mark and I will be in the same room again, albeit with a 4 year old stuck between us.

I want 7 pm tomorrow night. Will has been so amazing. Happy, no whining. SO much fun to be around. 12 hours sleep does a child's body good.

This week:

Monday:chiro, pick up csa, go to moms and drop off her flowers (i bought her a flower share from my CSA for a mother's day present. She gets weekly flowers!)
Cut some calendula for mom to dehydrate for me.
Move book shelf, desk into WIll's room. Go thru books.

Tuesday
1:30 appt. with realtor friend.

Thursday
7:30 chiro appt.
8 a.m. appt. with structural engineer.
Play date. We're making some lotion and salves with the Calendula from my garden. Its been steeping in olive oil now for a month.

Friday
Michelmas at Lake Farm School. Lantern walk and BONFIRE! : )
(uh, oh.... 7pm bedtime???????)

Saturday am
Lake Farm School.

We ended up bowing out of the Children's Song program. We are busy enough around here.

Today.

Chiro appt/ in the early morning.
Morning routine.
Scheduled structural engineer appt. for next Thursday.
Appt. with realtor/friend (never thought I'd use those two words together) who also rehabs basement to take a look at ours.
Made tons of pesto.
Will got his hair cut, but more importantly, washed - for an extra $4 that was worth every penny.
Played, played, played.
Made pizza. Fridays have become our pizza making day. The boys love playing with the dough. They will sit at the table for an hour and play with it. They don't do ANYTHING for an hour! Its very messy, but I'll take the flour mess for a pleasant afternoon.
And, drum roll.....

NIGHT TWO, with 7 O'CLOCK BEDTIMES!!! No naps, but early bedtimes. I can deal with this.

This weekend, Lake Farm, parties, and hopefully very little cooking. I'm tired of cooking right now.

Beaver Lake, Arkansas

Will snoozes on the boat.


Rock climbing by the water.


Jack chillin' and being one with the Beaver.


Will loved driving the boat and drove it from Party Cove back to the campsite without Daddy ever touching the wheel. He was so excited.


Truth is. Someday I would love to trade our motor for a sail. We have dreamed of this for years... even considered buying a sailboat and living aboard when we lived in Ventura. We should have just done it. We should learn from all those "shoulda's."

Today.

Morning routine.

Made pancakes. Like, my best ever, I must say. Thanks to my friend Catherine, I took my granola I made and put it in my Vita-mix to process to a fine flour. Combined with my pancake recipe. Delishes! Ate the boys ate nuts, millet, seeds, oats, and dried fruit without even realizing it.

Harvested the rest of the basil, with the boys help. Its all picked and bagged, ready to make pesto tomorrow.

Played, played, played all day with 2 little boys who did not nap. I'm shooting for 7 pm bedtime, hoping to start a routine. I think I would completely give up naps if I could count on early bedtimes.

ETA: 7:43 and Jack is down. I rested a bit with him, I could have got up earlier. Daddy is putting Will down... its quiet in there so hopefully he's out soon!

Today

Made applesauce and muffins. Yum.
Went to Chiro.,
Call realtor friend for structural engineer referrals.
Fill out Lake Farm application.
Laundry.
Pick rest of basil and make up tons more pesto.
Dream of sleeping.

Hey Julie Mama

Calendar of the Soul

[September 17, 2006 - September 23, 2006]

Twenty-third Week
(September 8-14)

There dims in damp autumnal air
The senses' luring magic;
The light's revealing radiance
Is dulled by hazy veils of mist.
In distances around me I can see
The autumn's winter sleep;
The summer's life has yielded
Itself into my keeping.

A magazine for Will Billy.

Oh, I want to subscribe to this... Will loves checking the mail, and he would really enjoy getting his very own magazine. This looks great:

http://www.cricketmag.com/ProductDetail.asp?pid=5

ETA: hmmm... maybe not. Maybe this:

http://www.nwf.org/kids/kzPage.cfm?siteid=2

Home again

We are home, all sick. But right now I get a breather, alone, for the first time in over a week. Both boys are asleep and daddy is at his chiro appt (after getting loaded up on vicaden at the ER last night for his tonsilitis). ..... scratch all that, Jack just woke and is now nursing. He found a marker again and marked all over himself, making sure to color in his belly button and his nipples. It is very cute. Will says all the time, "Jack is such a goofball."

Anyway, I want to post pictures.

I am visualizing Fall now. I love it and it makes me happy. What I want for Fall:

An organized house.
A clean house clear of clutter.
A finished basement. I am determined on this.
Fall veggie crop??? No, I never planted. is it too late? I could do it this week.

The boys and I will plan a "digging" project for the backyard. Probably digging out the rain garden that never got accomplished in the Spring. Not much digging needed, just removing the lawn. We will edge with rocks around it. I think we can even plant.

We will attend 2 parent toddler programs - Lake Farm School on 7 Saturdays as a family, and 10 weeks (I think) at Children's Song on Tuesdays. I am excited that at Children's Song, Beth told me WIll could go with the pre-school kids downstairs while Jack and I stay upstairs for the toddler program. I think WIll is going to love that. They are gardending now, and also have a tool workbench. He seems to love the stories told with the puppets. It is good to see. This will be a good way for him to have that four-year-old independence. He is so social and thrives on being around other people. At age four, he already is seeking his tribe. I see it.

Speaking of tribe, I have many friends I need to touch base with. I am not maintaining friendships very well these days. I need to work on that.

We're off...

Hooray. I love vacations.

Marauders

The boys always are finding ineresting escapades. The other day they got into the kool aid that I use to dye playsilks and turned their hands and mouths red. Today was markers. I can't get mad because I am so happy to see the pals they have become. : )

They did the following while I was typing yesterdays post...







Will got a kick out of painting Jack's butt.

Hey Julie Mama

TIred. Why do I get so stressed before going on vacation? Once we are outta here it will be great. Today I have cooked chicken stock, chicken tortilla soup, granola, and butternut squash. I've peeled and frozen yummy roasted peppers from Whole Foods to use in an egg casserole upon returning home. Made tea. Grocery shopped. Made list of food for trip. Yes, food is my life. Tomorrow I will make oatmeal cookies, mix up "instant" oatmeal for the camping trip, and make pesto to freeze before we leave with all the basil growing out of our ears here. Um, what else do I need to do? No, my family will not starve.

Boys are giggling. Must go see what destruction has occurred.

Fearsome Fours, Power Struggles, and Magical Thinking.

Great article. The last paragraph really spoke to me. I see Will's need for power, his clinginess, self-consciousness, and imagination soar in the last few months. Its so interesting to see this take on those issues. Perspective. Again.

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0838/is_n62/ai_11727626/pg_1

Hey Julie Mama

I have not felt very bloggy lately. My back is nearly back to normal. I have a lot of cleaning and catching up to do around here. Dusting, bathrooms and such. I am at a point again that a refresher in Spiritual Tasks of the Homemaker would be helpful.

We leave next week for camping at Beaver Lake, Arkansas. We spend the weekend with family (um, fun?) and then get to decompress alone the week after. It will be... perfect I know. Its a beautiful rock bottom lake, so cool and clear.

I am making us tomato, basil, and buffalo mozzarella sandwiches today. The tomato and basil is from my garden! The cheese is from Costco! The tomatoe, I have to say looks delish.

Another chiro appt. tonight. More cleaning. More cooking.

The boys are mostly amazing friends these days.

Give Me to Myself!

I like the Calendar of the Soul for this week:


Calendar of the Soul

[August 20, 2006 - August 26, 2006]

Nineteenth Week
(August 11-17)

In secret to encompass now
With memory what I've newly got
Shall be my striving's further aim:
Thus, ever strengthening, selfhood's forces
Shall be awakened from within
And growing, give me to myself.

Home

Baby Hailey is coming home tomorrow! She spent her first 3 months of life in the hospital. She will still have to use a feeding tube but she will at least be home.

Healing

"The vibration of too much of our life's energy going out with too little coming back for ourselves can often set us up for dis-ease which leads to illness and crisis that force us to RESET, RE-EVALUATE, and RE-CENTER. The Guru in you tells you clearly when it is time to listen to your body and your thoughts for INSPIRED CHANGES that are vital to restore BALANCE.

Often the Guru in you is greeted with new approaches to health, nutrition, and longevity at these times."

This is what happened...

I dare not post because I don't want to whine.

But first thing this morning I picked up the 1.5 year old and my back went out. I've spent the day hobbling or crawling around. Got in to see a new chiro that is just down the street from me. Another appointment tommorow. They gave me some homeopathic pain reliever stuff - valarian root and more.

I was upset with myself today. I need monthly adjustments or its down this road I go. I KNOW that. I slacked because I got tired of arranging child care, and then making the long drive to my other chiro. Not taking of myself. Not making myself a priority. I have to be well to have my children be well. I KNOW that!!!!

The good news and I really like this new chiro office. It was divine guidance that brought me to them... my CSA drops off the goods at this office each week. I think I'm meant to be there. Just wish it wasn't under such painful circumstances.

Off to a good night's sleep....hopefully.

Here we go.

I'm watching 5 little boys today - ages 8,5,4,2 and 1.5. Give me strength!

Bestest Smoothie Ever

1/2 cup oatmeal (or cook some steel cut oats in your crock pot overnight).
Rice milk
Banana
A handful of wheat grass, or whatever green you have on hand.

Delish!

Choices.

First, I wrote out a huge blog yesterday but I guess I lost it because it never posted. Bummer. Bygones. But now on to today's musings.

My head is kind of swirling over "the plan." The plan consists of how I want our days to proceed over the next few months. Our parent/toddler program is over at Children's Song and I can either sign on for 10 more weeks of sessions, or not. Or I could decide to send Will to Lake Farm School for a couple days a week. But not really, because its too long of a drive. Or I could chuck ALL driving, buy the Enki curriculum that I have been considering and try to stay home. Or, just pull out my Earthways book, Seven Times the Sun, Toymaking with Children, the felt and beeswax and clay I already have and just start doing stuff at home.

So I am indecisive because:

1. Our rhythm at home gets easily whacked if we leave to go to cool play dates.

2. I need the support of community. I love Ms. Diana at Lake Farm School - she is wise, and supportive, and inspirational. She is magic with the children. In my dreams, we would live on a few acres near the school, Will would go to the preschool a couple days a week, and we would homeschool. Oh, but then Daddy would commute for 2 hours a day to work and have no life. Oh wait, kinda like now, but in Lee's Summit.

3. I enjoy Children's Song but it does not nourish us in the way Lake Farm does. But its closer. Also, Jack and I could do the toddler program upstairs one day a week, while Will is with the preschoolers. Cool arrangement!

4. Above arrangement cool. Except, back to loving Lake Farm School. Daddy could attend the Saturday program with us. In fact, Mark and I have agree that this should be the one CERTAIN thing we do because we love it so much.

5. But then... I would LOVE Will to be involved in the preschool festivals at Lake Farm. The advent, martinmas, the plays. Back to that wishful thinking I guess. I don't want to drive 2 days a week out there, drop Will off and have to figure out stuff for Jack and I to do while he is in the school.

6. Fine. Stay home. Get Enki and it will solve EVERYTHING, right?

7. Except when I lose it and freak out because my children DON"T NAP.

Steiner.

Every week I get a quote from Rudolf Steiner's Calendar of the Soul. Some weeks I love reading it, contemplating it, really dissecting it to understand and grow from the words.

Other days, when I'm not on my game, I just want to scream WTF, why the hell am I bothering, I can't figure out half what you mean, man!!!

Um. What mood am I in today? Care to guess? : )


Calendar of the Soul

[July 30, 2006 - August 05, 2006]

Sixteenth Week
(July 21-27)

To bear in inward keeping spirit bounty
Is stern command of my prophetic feeling,
That ripened gifts divine
Maturing in the depths of soul
To selfhood bring their fruits.
_____________________

Hmmm.

Sometimes I really feel lonely. Even if I talk to people all day long. I feel lonely right now. I guess that also means I am feeling alienated from myself too. I am too tired right now to be me.

And I am whiney for little reasons. None of the meals I have cooked lately have turned out quite right. Everythings edible, but not great.

Mark is in the basement partying with his buddies and I just got the two boys to bed. Jack will wake in 3 hours to begin his nightly nurse-a-thon. I am whiney because I want a girls weekend. Just once. Or someone to plan, shop, prepare and clean up a meal for me and my girlfriends. Just once.

Ok, I could go on. Actually I did but just deleted it all.

I just need sleep, its affecting me.

Sleep. I want some.

I am so tired. To bed soon.

I've got to figure out what to do with Will in the afternoons. This floppy, hitting, so tired his eyes are bloodshot, but he won't rest boy is killing me.

I don't know. The week started out amazing. I got a lot done around the house, had the energy to keep up with the 2 little tornadoes in my house.

We have friends coming in tomorrow night and then Saturday Mark is off to Lawrence for a guys weekend. I'm making veggie burgers - made from awesome roasted barley grains leftover from my friend's beer brewing, fries and corn on the cob for the guys tomorrow night. And watermelon. Summertime! Carbs!

I bought washy modeling soap, and some clay from www.waldorfsupplies.com in anticipation of a weekend without Daddy. The washy soap amused Will for most the day the last time Daddy was out of town. It smells amazing.

I need to figure some things out.

1. Jack's all night nursing. Argh.

2. Will peeing the bed every night.

3. Getting Will and Daddy back in our bedroom. Or at least Daddy, but I think it will have to be a package deal.

I am truly going to put some energy into all of this. At least the last 2 items. Those should be easier to accomplish.

I am listening to The Red Tent on my IPod. And reading Non-Violent Communication. I have several more audio books to read, and I have Raising Boys checked out from the library.

I have 8 meals to cook this weekend. I'm cooking Szechuan Soba Noodles in a Peanut Sauce and Zuchinni Pesto Ravioli, using won ton wrappers for the ravioli.
I also made gazpacho today, but I am the only one eating it. I can't eat that much tomatoes as its too much acid and I get cold sores in my mouth. So I don't know what I'm going to do with all this gazpacho. Plus the fact that I pureed it in hopes that others would eat it so it isn't that pretty to look at. But it tastes good.


Tomorrow rhythm.

I really want to go to my mom's and scrapbook, but I need to stay home and clean this house and make the burgers.

I am so addicted to caffeine. Its screwing me up. Maybe its messing with Jack too and that is why he is up nursing so much. Guess I'll put this on my "needs some attention" list....

Food, food, food

I am becoming a little obsessed with cooking lately.

First, my friend made the most amazing millet, yellow "birthday cake" in the world. A-maz-ing. I just ran across a cake using couscous and now want to give this a try:

http://dessert.allrecipes.com/az/84119.asp

Vita-Mix. I've used it 3 times today and its not even noon. I grinded my coffee beans, made rice milk, and made pineapple sorbets for a snack (ice and pineapple juice).

Yesterday I made sweet potato and red bean enchildadas. Yum. I snuck in some swiss chard, pureed it all together. Mark has consistancy issues on food, and Will won't eat beans (except hummus). But they all ate this! Mark was very, very hesitant - he has never eaten a sweet potatoe in his life. He LOVED it. Actually had seconds and didn't just eat because he had too. I made an enchilda sauce with fresh tomatoes and onions. So good. Of course, the recipe didn't call for it but I had to top the whole concoction with cheese.

On the road.

Ridiculous things I saw on the road yesterday:

A corvette with a middle age white guy driving and a license plate that said, "LIV2WIN." Whatever.

A bumper sticker:

10 out of 10 people die.
www.needgod.com

What a lousy reason to need God. I will never get that concept.

What are you addicted to?

We discovered this hot sauce while living in California - over ten years ago now. This was served at California 66 on C Street in Ventura, where we lived. Mark would go boogie boarding in the morning (I would watch fron the beach - that water is COLD!) and then we would head over there a sit on the patio to enjoy the best potato/egg/bacon stuffed burritos ever. Its spicy, sweet and a touch garlickly.

Oh, I can smell the salt air now. Sigh.

We can't eat a quiche or a burrito without it now and buy it in a case. A case used to last a year, but now lasts about 7 months.... we'll blame that on Will.

http://www.pepperplant.com/

Summer days

I have decided that Four and Two is Fun. We are really enjoying each other around here lately. It must be me. Heh. I am somewhat surprised, but oh so happy and relieved, about how well I've been, emotionally, lately.

Will has found his groove - at home, and INSIDE, which is a near miracle. He is having more and more tender moments toward his brother (though not always) and is playing more on his own than ever before (thank you Legos, and mommy's lingerie drawer). Mostly.

Even when crazy things happen, I am handling the stress better. The other day I had just prepared lunch and had our soup bowls (leftover Apple-Zuchinni Soup) and bread on the table. I ran upstairs to go to the bathroom and when I came down, I discovered that Will had taken each one of our soup bowls and tossed the contents out the back door. Out the back door!!!! Splat, right on the deck. All my work, the money for the organic veggies, the waste. On the deck. Now, in the past, I would have freaked out. I would have been angry with him, angry with myself, woes-me-the-world-is-ending kinda freak out. Well, I insisted he clean up his mess, I was very, very quiet about the whole ordeal, and very sad. Will took it all in, and was pretty forlorn about it all as well. I think it sunk in that I was not happy. Not a lot of words, no lectures. Just firmness about my expectations, and move on.

I have to admit, later thinking back, it was kind of funny. He just DID NOT like that soup. And really, it wasn't my favorite either. He just found a way to make it go away. I have to laugh about it now.

So for me, I have to say thank you to:

Taking my vitamins daily

and

Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Wow.

Explain to me..

The infatuation with poop and other bodily fulids? Jumping in your own poop CANNOT be that much fun. Or jumping in your brothers. I just don't get it. Neither can blowing snot boogers like canons out of your nose be so fulfilling.

I have more Vita-mix cooking bloggy stuff to write but won't combine it with such a disgusting post.

Feelin' crafty

I have the urge to start another project. I must resist and instead finish a UFO in my scrap closet. I cleaned out my craft closet - I'm ready to go....

This week....

Monday
Children's Song and Book Club. Owe Catherine $$ for cheese, give her fruit tray and millet burgers back!

Find a huge box to mail Denny all his squirt bottles back.

Make up burritos and soup.

Tuesday
Playdate in Shawnee. I haven't seen my high school/college friend in forever.
Baby card to Jennifer, "Fatherwise" book to Kevin, Camping book to Matthew....DO IT!!!!
Mail off this stuff and the package to Denny.

Check to see if Lake Farm School playdate is Wed. or Thursday.

Thats a lotta runnin' around. We were home all week last week. ALL WEEK! And all weekend! It has been great. I want to stay home, but I want to do all this fun stuff too. Sigh.

The boys love playing in the spot where the Zuchinni Use To Live. I want to plant spinach and beets soon, but they are enjoying the patch of dirt for now.






3 Preggo Boys



My New Vita-Mix
I want to rant and rave and talk about this more. But I am too busy cooking to blog about it. So far I have made peach sorbet, whole wheat bread, Blueberry/Acai smoothies, and tomato soup. Tommorow morning I think I'll make Date Shakes for breakfast. And make the pizza dough for dinner in it too. I'm loving it!

The Basil Tomato Soup With Cheese, before blended. Tomatoes and onion are from our CSA, and the basil from the garden:




And After:





BTW - the potatoes in the background are from our garden too. We had fun digging those out and cleaning them today.

Ahh... Breathing again.

Clearing schedules can be so liberating to me. Even when my days are full of really fun things to do. Today we were suppose to go The Children's Song toddler program (that Waldorf School in KC that I just decided I must go check out), and book club tonight. Tomorrow was to be more blueberry picking. Everything - cancelled! The boys need to be home.

Instead we jumped in puddles, played in the garden, snapped green beans and... got Will's hair cut! Pics to follow. It really was just a trim - out of his eyes.

It was a great day until about 4 pm when Will gets so exhausted he's falling over himself, hitting Jack, and throwing toys at me. I am working on getting him to understand that when his eyes and body are tired, he can lay down. Noooo way, he says. After getting pummeled with a couple more toys, I told him he will need to go in his room and lay down by himself to settle down. Tears followed as if I just said I was abandoning him. The Sleep Issue is such a freakin'.... Issue in this house. Actually, the real Issue is lack of Rhythm. But I hide behind the more noticeable and easier to blame Sleep Issue.

Tomorrow morning we will walk the 3 blocks to my sister's house and bake banana bread with cousin Reed and grandma, who will be babysitting.

Good Will Hunting

Mother Nurture
© Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and Jan Hanson, L.Ac. 2006

Building Good Will

I admit it: things annoy me. Like drivers who don't signal, or husbands who always get home later than they say they will. I wonder, what in the world were they were thinking?! Sometimes the world seems like it's run by very stupid people. I don't want to be a grouch, so I bite my tongue most of the time. But I know my attitudes leak out. Tell me something deeper than the usual pap about every cloud has a silver lining, love your neighbor, don't sweat the small stuff, blah blah.


Cranky, cranky!

But we get it. Things can be irritating. Daily life alone has its stresses, and since 9/11 it's seemed like there's more of a general uneasiness about how things are going that makes people more edgy and aggressive.

So you want something deeper? Here's a list of "21 Ways To Turn Ill Will to Good Will."

Introduction
ll will creates negative cycles. But that means that good will can create positive cycles. Plus good will cultivates wholesome qualities in you.

Avoiding ill will does not mean passivity, allowing yourself or others to be exploited, staying silent in the face of injustice, etc. There is plenty of room for speaking truth to power and effective action without succumbing to ill will. Think of Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, or the Dalai Lama as examples. In fact, with a clear mind and a peaceful heart, your actions are likely to be more effective.

How to prevent or transform ill will
1. Be mindful of the priming, the preconditions for ill will. Try to defuse them early: get rest, have a meal, get support, talk things out, distract yourself, etc.

2. Practice non-contention to undermine the heat that creates ill will. Don't argue unless you have to.

3 Inspect the underlying trigger, such as a sense of threat. Look at it realistically. Was something actually an "injury" to you? Be skeptical of your justifications.

4. Be careful about attributing intent to others. We are often just a bit player in their drama; they are not targeting us personally. Look for the good intentions beneath the action that made you feel mistreated. Look for the good in others.

5. Cultivate positive qualities like kindness, compassion, empathy, and calm. Nourish your own good will.

6. Practice generosity. Much ill will comes when we feel taken from, or not given to, or on the receiving end of another person's bad moment. Instead, consider letting the person have what they took: their victory, their bit of money or time, etc. Let them have their bad moment. Make a gift of forbearance, patience, and no cause to fear you.

7. Investigate ill will. Take a day, a week, a month - and really examine the least bit of ill will during that time. See what causes it . . . and what its effects are.

5. Regard ill will as an affliction upon yourself. It hurts you more than anyone.

6. Settle into awareness, observing the ill will but not identified with it, watching it arise and disappear like any other experience.

7. Accept the wound. Experience the feelings of it. Do not presume that life is not supposed to be wounding, Accept the unpleasant fact that people will mistreat you.

8. Do not cling to what you want instead of what you got.

9. Let go of the view that things are supposed to be a certain way. Challenge the belief that things should work out, that the world is perfectible.

10. Relax the sense of self, that it was "I" or "me" who was affronted, wounded.

11. Do religious or philosophical practices that cultivate love and goodness.

12. Resolve to meet mistreatment with lovingkindness. No matter what. Consider the saying: In this world, hate has never dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate.

14. Cultivate positive emotion, like happiness, contentment, or peacefulness. Positive feelings calm the body, quiet the mind, buffer against the impact of stressful events, and foster supportive relationships -- which reduce ill will.

18. Communicate. Speak (skillfully) for yourself, regardless of what the outcome may be. If appropriate, name your experience to release it; feel it as you speak it.
Try to address the situation with openness and empathy for the other person. Then you'll be freer and calmer to be more skillful.

19. Have faith that they will pay their own price one day for what they've done, and you don't have to be the justice system.

20. Realize that some people will not get the lesson no matter how much you try. So why burden yourself with trying to teach them? Further, many people will never actually experience your ill will - such as politicians. So why carry it toward them?

21. Forgiveness. This doesn't mean changing your view that wrongs were done. But it does mean letting go of the emotional charge around feeling wronged. The greatest beneficiary of forgiveness is usually yourself.


* * *

(Rick Hanson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson, M.S., L.Ac., is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 16 and 18. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the first and second authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

Poor Zuchinni Plant.

RIP dear zuchinni plant. I'm heartbroken - this was the pinnacle of my garden! LOL! We were getting a couple zuchinni every other day and enjoying them in salads, grilled, chopped, sauteed and roasted. Will has been in charge of pulling the zuchinni off the plant when they were ready and I think he pulled too hard one time and the whole plant became uprooted. Either that or rabbits got to it - I'm having a hard time figuring out what happened.

I am so bummed! My garden looked pretty complete but soon it will have a big barren patch where the plant was. Wah.

Anyone know what I can plant right now? Anyone?

Hailey Update

From my BIL:

They took Hailey off the isolator today at 1:00 PM. She is doing really
well. Her blood gases are good. She is on the ventilator now and trying to
breath over it on her own. They have it set for 40 and she is taking 25 more
on her own. Praise GOD she is doing really well. She will be on the
ventilator for at least a week. After that she will be breathing on her own.

I'm near tears.

I had NO idea Raffi was so cool. I must buy some of his cds now:

http://www.raffinews.com/node/16?PHPSESSID=53b301a32c9a9c1af58f97a1ceb8ca50

Hey Julie Mama

Today was long. The boys were out of sorts... we could not seem to fall into our day at all. I couldn't figure it out. But I suppose its because:

1. I am so freakin' tired.
2. I was very "inward" this morning... venting over the dishes left unattended in the sink by Mark (who promised to do them the night before).
3. I am so freakin' tired.
4. I was also venting inward over the fact that Mark would not be home tonight.

We got thru the day. With some great moments - including watching the boys "wakeboard" in the backyard all night. They hold the ski ropes, yell "go, boat," and I pull them up by the ropes. They jump the wake like daddy, touch the water like daddy, and fall like daddy. Its hilarious.

Mark will be off all next week. I would like to take some time to do some clothes shopping for myself. This is not an enjoyable task to me but much needed.

Other news is I finally got Will to eat beans (other than hummus) without having to hide them. We had Dal (lentils with curry), yogurt and pitas for dinner tonight. I love it. Will was surprised to learn that he does too! I added some swiss chard - I think it was baby swiss chard if that is such a vegetable. It was good.

Busy playing.

Sleepy. Not much sleep at night around here. Either by my choice or by Jack's choice. We continue to be itchy from either poison ivy, chiggers or mosquitos. But all is subsiding, slowly.

Went to the blueberry patch today and picked almost 4 pounds of blueberries! Will ate about that much as well.

Our rhythms are going strong. I would like to concentrate on evening now. We have been bike riding as a family a lot lately, which usually is fun unless Will is too tired to actually pedal his bike. Then. Not. Fun. It is our bike rides that make us love where we live and makes us indecisive about where we should live. We have seen a baby bunny, a snapping turtle, a zillion doggies, egrets, ducks, fish, and a kayaker this week. : ) And we have stopped and talked to them all.

I'm too tired to blog coherently. I don't get much computer time either these days...

Dessert failed

Oh flippin' A. My zuchinni cake didn't cook so well. Plan B: Baklava. Plan C: Whole Foods Bakery.

Hailey

Found out today her lungs are clearing up and they are "backing of the machine." ??? I think this means life support. Slowly each day she gets better. I know she will be healthy and strong soon. I KNOW it! Good things are happening here. Really.

What a beautiful, rhythmic day!

The weather is Perfect.

We had a great day - I was determined to find a rhythm today and we did and the day just flowed so well. Rhythm is my on-going project, but we really made some progress today - it just all came together. So I am going to be boring for awhile and post our daily routines.

7:30 am woke up
"Woke up" our bedrooms. Say good morning to the bedrooms, make the beds, pick up clothes, straighten books and open shades. Start a load of laundry.

8 am. Breakfast
Smoothies!
Sing our "Blessings" song and our "candle" song.

8:30 ish
Clean up kitchen, free play (usually something to do with their cars and the kitchen sink!).

9 am.
Movement
We gathered up the soccer/volleyballs and played dodge ball in the backyard.

9:30 am
Craft/This will eventually turn into the Main Lesson time.
We made play doh. The boys went nuts over it and this occupied them for quite awhile. The kitchen got trashed. Flour and me make messes - always.

10:30 am
Snack
Blessings and candle songs.
I am going to ALWAYS sit with the boys from now on for their snack time. This will be my time to drink my tea... day 3 no coffee in the house....again.

10:45 am
We set up the train tracks in the play room. The boys played while I worked in the kitchen, cleaning up.

Noon
Lunch
Blessings and candle songs

12:30 Shower for me.
I take my shower down in the basement shower and the boys play with Daddy's race track. What would we do without toy cars?

1 pm
Story Time.
Read a story to Will, nurse Jack until he falls asleep. Cross my fingers that Will sleeps too, but alas, not today. Will and I went downstairs to the basement so he could play more with the race track. I did laundry and attempted to keep Will quiet.

2:30
Jack woke up. Boys played outside for awhile.
I'm getting hazy now about how the rest of the afternoon went... ????
I made 5 quiches. The boys played more with the play doh.

3 pm ish
Snack

I can't remember what we did in the afternoon!

Later...

5 pm
Boys played outside.
I turned on my "Cleaning Days" CD, which is very slow and nearly a capella. We have outdoor speakers so the kids could hear it outside too. It calms them.
I am making a point of picking up the house before Mark comes home. I think this is very important. Its funny, it took me 5 minutes to clear the toys in the living room and Mark comes home and says, "Wow! The house looks great!" If I hadn't cleared those toys, the perfectly clean kitchen would not have been noticed at all.

6 pm
Dinner with Daddy.
Blessings and Candle.

6:45
Clean up and headed out for a family bike ride.
the bike ride went too long, we met new neighbors and chatted.

9:30
Boys in bed. Snooze.

When I type this out it all sounds so boring and typical but for some reason I am just really happy about how the day went.

I believe the greatest reasons for success included:

1. Sticking to a schedule, anticipating what came next.

2. Incorporating Movement first thing in the morning.

3. My attitude.

So now after all that, Daddy will be home for the morning tomorrow and our rhythm will be whacked. lol. But we can still wake up our rooms, have breakfast, and then Daddy and the kids can do some kind of Movement activity. I think I will give Daddy a craft project to do with the kids - take a large jar, fill it with sand and then water. Color the water blue (I have kool-aid and think that will work). Then go on a treasure hunt for cool rocks, clam shells down by the lake and whatever else they can find to make a beach/ocean in the jar. So actually, we can keep our rhythm. I'll just have to continue to move it along.

Well, I'm beat. Off to bed soon.

Go away now.

I am still itchy. New spots just keep showing up around my body. I guess the poison ivy is in my bloodstream? My arms and hands itch tonight and woke me up. And the boys have it. Will has some on his penis, poor kid. He lets everyone know about it too. And Jack's is in his diaper area.

That which you resist persists. I know, I know....

Popping Garbanzos

The garbanzo beans I have soaking are popping in the stock pot. I never knew they did that. I am usually asleep when beans are soaking, but its almost 2 am and I can't sleep. Anyway, it reminds me of the mexican jumping beans I bought in Mexico when I was a kid. I loved those beans, popping on the night stand in the Tijuana hotel the night I bought them. How did those beans pop? I wonder?

Sometimes I can't believe the amount of *stuff* I have running thru my brain, constantly. Of all the things to stop and take the time to blog about, I choose popping garbanzo beans!

What I should blog about is my deepening interest in the Enki homeschooling curriculum.

http://www.enkieducation.org/html/homeschool-curriculum.htm

Zig Zag

Mark is in Chicago.

I am very, very itchy.

Poison Ivy.

I have it. Round two for the summer. I know I got it from Jack - who was crawling thru the trees with the big kids and then cuddled up to me to nurse at nap time. Its all over my chest and neck - just how he snuggles. Its on my boobs too.

The boys don't have it so far. Cool.

I'm taking lots of Vitamin C, grapefruit seed extract, and a homeopathic anti itch spray that works awesome. I've got the remedy down now. Of course, the blisters will start arriving probably tomorrow. This stuff is brutal.

Poison Ivy.

I have it. Round two for the summer. I know I got it from Jack - who was crawling thru the trees with the big kids and then cuddled up to me to nurse at nap time. Its all over my chest and neck - just how he snuggles. Its on my boobs too.

The boys don't have it so far. Cool.

I'm taking lots of Vitamin C, grapefruit seed extract, and a homeopathic anti itch spray that works awesome. I've got the remedy down now. Of course, the blisters will start arriving probably tomorrow. This stuff is brutal.

Oh, oh, oh

I have to blog before I forget this...

I want to make bean bags filled with beans and rosemary. Rosemary is perfect for this -- good for the memory ("rosemary for remembrance, pray, love, remember" - Shakespeare) and should prevent bug attack, too.

Intention, Gratitude, Positive Visualization and All That Stuff

Thoughts of Happiness and Joy

Begin with only thinking kind thoughts. It won't take long before you start to speak kind words. When you speak kind words to others, they will begin to think kind thoughts, and when they speak kind words, it will be followed by kind deeds. So, slowly it will go, bit by bit. Everything must first come to the human soul through the head, which first has to think the good. Then it will not be so difficult for the body to do what the soul has thought out in the head.

Think Goodness for everyone and everything.
Think how you yourself want to be met.
Think health towards all who are ill,
think life in all that has died,
think only good thoughts.
Think everything in the utmost humility...

If you are in a place which makes you worry, go away. Freedom will help you. Believe in everything that is beautiful and true. How, you wonder - I cannot believe in most of the things that are beautiful and true, when so many things are ugly lies.

Earth child, we had come so far that you had thought away fear and worry. So why are you still worried about the ugliness and lies of the earth? See friends in everyone you meet.

But maybe those I meet want to harm me. They may look nice and kind, but really they are nasty and evil.

Have you already forgotten that you thought away ugliness and lies? Little earth child, in this way we can continue to think away everything that is unpleasant and ugly. But your head can't take anymore. If you teach your earth friends all I've told you your earth will be much happier. Maybe it won't happen at once but bit by bit it will get better. Don't forget that you must remain childlike. You must believe in fairy tales, in miracles, in love, in the beautiful, in the pure.

Don't read anything soiled! Your thoughts will be soiled.
Don't see anything soiled. Your eyes will be soiled.
Don't hear anything soiled. Your ears will be soiled.
Don't eat anything soiled. Your stomach will be soiled.
Don't speak anything soiled. Your mouth will be soiled.
Don't think anything soiled. Your soul will be soiled...

* from various pages within the book "When the Storm Comes and A Moment in the Blossom Kingdom" by Barbro Karlen

Birthdays and lazy days.

Pics of the boys' birthday party, my first radish out of my garden (obviously I am late on photos), grandma and grandpa Voss and more....

Back on track

I'm here. Getting happier (thank you St. John's Wort). I could write more about the past few days but really its not that interesting. That would be the phlegmatic in me talking, I have learned. Anyway. Someone out there read "The Four Temperments," by Rudolf Steiner so we can talk about it, please. : )

I like this quote:

" Learning is experience. Everything else is just information." - Albert Einstein

Loathing

A self-inflicted, terrible, torturous kind of day. Please let bedtime come soon.

Hey Julie Mama

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers for baby Hailey. I'm posting the following e-mail that Mark's mom sent that gives an update and explains a bit what is going on with her:

Haley is on a Heart and Lung machine----the machine takes over for both
organs----this gives both organs a rest!!!! She can heal better. She is
also on a blood thinner----sooo----the prayer is that internal bleeding
does not happen. . She will be on the machine for about two weeks. What
a TOUGH battle for such a little one!!!!!! Yesterday was a very stressful
day for Jenny and Keenan. Greg said she had a stable night.

Hey Julie Mama

Hailey is not doing well and my heart is breaking. How does a new, first time mother survive this anguish? Please let her be okay.

Daddy's Day Off

So we skipped the strawberry almond shortcake and just ate the strawberries. We're all about efficiency around here.
We went to Pickings and Pumpkins and they are organic! We got a huge bag o' berries for $5.

Today is Will's birthday. Daddy is off, and we played all day on the lake. Then came home and we all napped. Will is still sleeping. He's requested macaroni and cheese for his birthday dinner. I'm getting ready to make it. Jack is on the back porch throwing (left over from the birthday party) pop cans down on the deck and watching them bust and spray all over. That is okay with me. Daddy is now hollering at me to go stop Jack from his fun. Oh well.

mmmm.

On th menu for tomorrow:

Strawberry smoothies!

Strawberry Almond Shortcake!

Hey Julie Mama

Book Club Night. Way. Too. Late. But always enjoyable.

So Mark and I fought about something stupid tonight before I left for book club. I get home tonight and he has completely cleaned the house. Even the boys' little tea set is set up perfectly on their kid table. What does this mean? Did he do this as a way to say, "I'm sorry?" Or is it a "See, you lazy bum, if you just tried you could make this house look good during the day."

I'm waking up in 5 hours to go strawberry picking. That is if I go to sleep now.

Memorial Day

In memory of my grandpas....

WHY THE AMERICAN FLAG IS FOLDED 13 TIMES

Have you ever noticed on TV or at military funerals that the honor guard pays meticulous attention to correctly folding the American flag 13 times?

I've known how the 21 gun salute was determined (adding the individual digits of 1776), but only recently learned why the flag was folded 13 times when it is lowered or when it is folded and handed to the widow at the burial of a veteran.

HERE IT IS: The first fold of our flag is a symbol of life.

The second fold is a symbol of our belief in eternal life.

The third fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans departing our ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of our country to attain peace throughout the world.

The fourth fold represents our weaker nature, for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance.

The fifth fold is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, "Our Country, in dealing with other countries, may she always be right; but it is still our country, right or wrong."

The sixth fold is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that we pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States Of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.

The seventh fold is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic.

The eighth fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day, and to honor mother, for whom it flies on Mother's Day.

The ninth fold is a tribute to womanhood; for it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded.

The tenth fold is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of our country since they were first born.

The eleventh fold, in the eyes of a Hebrew citizen represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon, and glorifies in their eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

The twelfth fold, in the eyes of a Christian citizen, represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in their eyes, God the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.

When the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding us of our nation's motto, "In God We Trust". After the flag is completely folded and tucked in, it takes on the appearance of a cocked hat, ever reminding us of the soldiers who served under General George Washington, and the sailors and marines who served under Captain John Paul Jones, who were followed by their comrades and shipmates in the Armed Forces of the United States, preserving for us the rights, privileges, and freedoms we enjoy today. There are some traditions and ways of doing things which have deep meaning. You will see many flags folded in the coming weeks, and now you will know why.

My Birthday Boys

We had Will and Jack's birthday party today. A Mexican fiesta, American style. Lots of chicken and cheese. Will requested an ice cream cake, which I made for him, and Jack got a lemon cake, which Daddy requested and Grandma made.

The whole family was here, and the boys and their cousins enjoyed playing in the pool. It was a really good day. Mark's mom is a huge help and the house looks good. I love Grandmas. I also realized that I must be close to being as "normal" as I can get as I had very, very little anxiety all day. I could not have done all this last year. I can't even remember their party last year, actually.

Pictures to come soon.

My babies are 4 and 2. I can't believe it!!!!

Hey Julie Mama

Hailey is on life support and surgery has not happened yet. However, Jennifer and Keenan will be talking to another couple that daughter had the same condition, and had the surgery and is now a happy, healthy 2 year old. I am praying.

Mark's parents arrive today. They have had a difficult week - the husband of their "best couple" died and the funeral was this week. They were friends for 50 years. 50 years! Now the baby. They don't handle stress well and I worry about them. All that on top of a 9 hour drive to see us.

Oh, and the news that my unmarried nephew and his girlfriend are expecting a baby, Mark's parents must be completely beside themselves. Although I secretely am SO excited for our nephew. He will grow up fast, and he will take the challenge on with dignity. He'll be an amazing daddy.

pray for baby Hailey

Hailey, my niece's first baby, was born last night with a hole in her diaphragm, and her intestines exposed. Surgery is today and I have no idea what to expect or how serious this is... nonetheless it does not sound good and not something I would want to experience as a mother. ever.

Mmmm. Soap.

Today a friend and I made a bunch of sweet smelling soap. My favorite is the oatmeal/ylang ylang with beet powder that turned it pink, and the coffee/oatmeal/peppermint. Or the honey/almond with beeswax. I'm hooked. On our way to see Ms. Diana and visit The Dolphin Song, I'm stopping by the beeswax place tomorrow for a look around. I want/need more beeswax and candle molds to make candles for our fireplace, and they also sell soapmaking supplies there! So maybe I'll pick out another soap mold.

Will started the day out being completely WILD. He eventually found a groove and all kids played well. But sometimes I can't believe the stuff he does. For example... the kids were playing in the basement and Will had gone into the garage, climbed up onto Daddy's work bench to get nails and a hammer and went back downstairs and --just as I went to the basement to check on them --- he was getting ready to nail a blanket into the pool table, because "the door to their fort kept falling down."

Eeks. Nice. Sure Daddy would be cool with that and all.

Birthday party for both boys this weekend. I have grand plans of making birthday crowns, log blocks (five are sanded so far), and two cakes. Plus dinner for all the family coming over on Saturday. Mark's parents are visiting from Michigan and will be here Thursday night. I believe we are going to a Paul Mesner puppet show on Friday. Fun times! But can I get this all done?

na-na na na na-na

I have in my freezer:

Chickpea Spinach pasta

High Protein Pasta

Black Bean and Corn Burritos

Red Bean Polenta

Beet Soup

Spinach Lasagna

Asparagus Quiche

Gumbo

Salmon Broccoli Noodle Casserole

Mandarin Chicken

Turkey Meatloaf

Jumbalya

Asian Turkey Burgers

and in the fridge,

Gazpacho!


Wow!!!!!

My Abe

Mark has come thru for me today with the kids and the garage sale (after we had a terrible morning fight)... he took the day off and played with the kids. In fact, they are still playing - out on the boat. I am still cooking.

Jack has not nursed ALL day. Tonight we were trying to convince him to stay with me and not go on the boat and I suggested we sit down and nurse and he said, "No! Da-da! Bo!" So he went on the boat. : )

Cramps, Garage Sale, Cooking.

That's me right now. I am on a mission to earn enough money to buy me a Vita-Mix. To make that raw milk ice cream! : )

More than $165,000

There's a news article circulating that talks about how much a SAHM is worth, monetarily.

But they are a bit off on calculation. I say double that figure because they need to add into that all the consulting, counciling, nursing, and so on that incurs from being a wife. Gah!

I always tell Mark I am his Mary Lincoln. Where would he be without ME? : )

Mama.

This was a family weekend, one of those weekends that we think, oh yeah, that's why we live here.
Saturday the boys and I went with grandpa to great grandmas house to chop some wood for 1) our outdoor fire place that a friend picked up for us while curbing 2) to build the bean pole tee pee in the backyard and 3) to make tree blocks for Will for his birthday (pending that Daddy works it into his schedule to at least get them sanded by the end of this month.) The boys were able to visit with great grandma and hang out with their great Aunt Kathy. Jack even cuddled up with Aunt Kathy and fell asleep on her while watching, ahem, The Grinch. He never falls asleep for anyone like that! I love that they get to spend some time over there. On the way there, Will said, "Mommy, great grandmas house smells funny." : ) I told him that everyone's house has different smells and you just get use to it after awhile. : ) That is better than what he said last time - to grandma - and that was that she smelled funny.

The afternoon was spent at the park with cousins. Evening was a little family bike ride around the lake. Will is riding his own bike now!

This morning my mom, sister and myself went to Unity for a (unfortunately not so inspiring) Mother's Day service. Then hung out at my sister's for awhile with everyone before my family headed, with my mom, to a huge nursery to buy flowers for my newly- installed-by-my-hunky-hubby flower beds.

Somewhere in between all that we stopped by my Dad's and wished my step mom a happy day. I gave all the mother's flowers in some paper baskets that I colored and made, along with a beeswax votive candle that I also made.

And amazingly, there was very little bickering among the Richardson women! A grand feat!

But now Mark is trying to get Will down to sleep and I so wish he would go down so Mark and I can just hang out. But I hear him still chatting away. He will fall asleep just soon enough for Jack to wake up, I am sure.

Here.

I'm feeling disjointed. Perhaps its because I am hurting - neck, arm,shoulder, hand... very annoying. Perhaps because Mark has not been around much. He is busy with Stuff that I know he Has To Do.

Anyway.

The Children's Song Waldorf School.

We enjoyed our visit with the director and the pre-school teacher-- sitting in the screened-in porch sipping tea and munching on fresh baked rolls. Very Waldorfy. Lol. I'm glad to have another Walorf presence in Kansas City - I say the more the merrier. The school will have a parent/toddler program, pre-school, kindergarten (they have broken the pre-school and kindergarten out as I am assuming the pre-school may be more like child care), and homeschooling classes. We got into a bit deep discussion on anthroposophy, which I am studying and okay with but which Mark was like, Steiner said WHAT? Hee-hee. Mark and I, though, have agreed that Lake Farm seems to suit us better. We have a history there already and, if we choose preschool, that is where we will send our Will. : ) I do have to say Lake Farm has a fabulous space, and homemade items from the Meisengers that Children's Song doesn't have. Perhaps down the road we will see what kind of homeschooling classes are offered at The Children's Song.

blech blah

help me here. I can't believe how hard having two kids is. teething sucks. boo-boos suck. chaos reins. my internal voice is on hyperdrive - i know its me causing this but how do i stop the train? ACK!

I just put the kids in the car and we are going to get mommy a cup of coffee.

And what are YOU doing?

I'm making Spanakopita while Jack is in the Ergo, stuffing red grapes down the back of my shirt. Cold grapes. Brrr!

In Breath

Busy weekend. Mom and I went to a Raw Foods class and loved it. Mom is going to buy a dehydrator - she's totally into it. We hope to take some more classes from the same person, including a soapmaking class and more advanced raw food classes. I found out there is a Raw Foodies group that meets at Wild Oats in Mission once a month. It would be fun to go sometime to get inspired. I love raw food dishes, but I also love the ice cream I just ate. Sigh. I'm thinking I'm going to use the money from our garage sale in a couple weeks and buy a dehydrator. I want a vita-mix too. Damn! For what I spent a few years ago on our stupid microvwave, I could have bought these! I learn EVERYTHING after its too late. Humpffff.

The boys and I walked the labryinth today at Unity Village - seeing as we can't last more than 15 minutes in the service- and the kids loved it.

http://www.lessons4living.com/labyrinth.htm

Tomorrow Mark and I are taking a peek at the new Waldorf school opening up in Kansas City. Then I will be home for laundry, and catching up on this forgotton home. I'm cooking spanakopita again tomorrow! I got a huge bag of spinach at the Farmer's market (River Market) on Saturday and need to use it up. Still have phyllo dough in freezer so there ya go. I have tons of food in this house right now. Lots of fresh food, too. We could hibernate for awhile.

Yang

It cracks me up that any "SAHM bliss" kind of days are so quickly followed by not so blissful days. I mean, it was a nice enough day but definitely no susie homemaker moments.

Good days

I feel... fulfilled. I've been having some of those perfect SAHM days lately. The ones I daydreamed about before kids. Some people may not have had these dreams, but I did. I dreamed of standing in the kitchen cooking while my kids played out in the back yard, in the sandbox Daddy built them. I love watching them from afar - and seeing where their imagination leads them. I love hearing distant conversations between the boys when they are completely involved in their own little world and have no realization of my intruding little ears listening in on their talk.

The beauty in slmplicity astonishes me sometimes. The more mindful I am at keeping our life simple, the better it is.

Clarity, Focus, Grace and Ease

I'd really like to write more about this as this is what the sermon was at church yesterday. But I think instead I am going to walk up the stairs, crawl into bed, close my eyes, and go to sleep with clarity, focus, grace and ease.

Garden?

I have killed every single one of my zuchhini plants. WTF? They were all looking so beautiful. Then I decided I better wait another couple weeks to transplant... and now they are all dead!

I think I have killed more plants then I have planted.

Easter and Pottery

Lessons.

Lesson #1.

Never, EVER, use those EVIL scotch pads to try to clean glue off your new $800 sliding glass door. Mostly when the only thing you are known to ever clean is your car.

Lesson #2

Never shout "Dammit!" throughout the house after realizing you scratched said door all to hell with your 4 year old watching you freak out. (Dammit will likely become his word of choice for the rest of the day).

Lesson #3

If there was ever a time to practice EQUANIMITY as a wife, this would be the time.


: )

Besides that, we have truly had a lovely day as a family.

I like being a family of four. Its fun.

Will is sleeping and Daddy and Jack went to Home Depot. I'm off to cook some vegetarian meatloafs for cooking club.

Our Favorite Books

First, I am on a Mac and have no idea how to make my links so you can just click on them and go to the web site. It drives me crazy, and my Mac lovin'-on-the-computer-at-work-all-day hubby doesn't know either. Can anyone help with that? If so I'll fix these links so they are clickable.

This is Jack's favorite book. Tonight he nursed and held on tight to this book as he fell asleep. I have to way, we have the old, I think original book from the Hallmark Creative Library that Mark got at work (way cooler):

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0399234888/sr=8-1/qid=1146106850/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-6362047-1435246?%5Fencoding=UTF8

Will loves The Knee-Baby:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0374442444/qid=1146107371/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-6362047-1435246?s=books&v=glance&n=283155
BEAUTIFUL book. I bawled the first time I read it to Will. (If ya read it, note the page that says, "these are bad signs" and change to "these are crying signs."

Mark and I love these:
Spring's Sprung
Summer's Vacation
Wild Child
Winter Waits

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0689832680/qid=1146107489/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-6362047-1435246?s=books&v=glance&n=283155