Steiner.

Every week I get a quote from Rudolf Steiner's Calendar of the Soul. Some weeks I love reading it, contemplating it, really dissecting it to understand and grow from the words.

Other days, when I'm not on my game, I just want to scream WTF, why the hell am I bothering, I can't figure out half what you mean, man!!!

Um. What mood am I in today? Care to guess? : )


Calendar of the Soul

[July 30, 2006 - August 05, 2006]

Sixteenth Week
(July 21-27)

To bear in inward keeping spirit bounty
Is stern command of my prophetic feeling,
That ripened gifts divine
Maturing in the depths of soul
To selfhood bring their fruits.
_____________________

Hmmm.

Sometimes I really feel lonely. Even if I talk to people all day long. I feel lonely right now. I guess that also means I am feeling alienated from myself too. I am too tired right now to be me.

And I am whiney for little reasons. None of the meals I have cooked lately have turned out quite right. Everythings edible, but not great.

Mark is in the basement partying with his buddies and I just got the two boys to bed. Jack will wake in 3 hours to begin his nightly nurse-a-thon. I am whiney because I want a girls weekend. Just once. Or someone to plan, shop, prepare and clean up a meal for me and my girlfriends. Just once.

Ok, I could go on. Actually I did but just deleted it all.

I just need sleep, its affecting me.

Sleep. I want some.

I am so tired. To bed soon.

I've got to figure out what to do with Will in the afternoons. This floppy, hitting, so tired his eyes are bloodshot, but he won't rest boy is killing me.

I don't know. The week started out amazing. I got a lot done around the house, had the energy to keep up with the 2 little tornadoes in my house.

We have friends coming in tomorrow night and then Saturday Mark is off to Lawrence for a guys weekend. I'm making veggie burgers - made from awesome roasted barley grains leftover from my friend's beer brewing, fries and corn on the cob for the guys tomorrow night. And watermelon. Summertime! Carbs!

I bought washy modeling soap, and some clay from www.waldorfsupplies.com in anticipation of a weekend without Daddy. The washy soap amused Will for most the day the last time Daddy was out of town. It smells amazing.

I need to figure some things out.

1. Jack's all night nursing. Argh.

2. Will peeing the bed every night.

3. Getting Will and Daddy back in our bedroom. Or at least Daddy, but I think it will have to be a package deal.

I am truly going to put some energy into all of this. At least the last 2 items. Those should be easier to accomplish.

I am listening to The Red Tent on my IPod. And reading Non-Violent Communication. I have several more audio books to read, and I have Raising Boys checked out from the library.

I have 8 meals to cook this weekend. I'm cooking Szechuan Soba Noodles in a Peanut Sauce and Zuchinni Pesto Ravioli, using won ton wrappers for the ravioli.
I also made gazpacho today, but I am the only one eating it. I can't eat that much tomatoes as its too much acid and I get cold sores in my mouth. So I don't know what I'm going to do with all this gazpacho. Plus the fact that I pureed it in hopes that others would eat it so it isn't that pretty to look at. But it tastes good.


Tomorrow rhythm.

I really want to go to my mom's and scrapbook, but I need to stay home and clean this house and make the burgers.

I am so addicted to caffeine. Its screwing me up. Maybe its messing with Jack too and that is why he is up nursing so much. Guess I'll put this on my "needs some attention" list....

Food, food, food

I am becoming a little obsessed with cooking lately.

First, my friend made the most amazing millet, yellow "birthday cake" in the world. A-maz-ing. I just ran across a cake using couscous and now want to give this a try:

http://dessert.allrecipes.com/az/84119.asp

Vita-Mix. I've used it 3 times today and its not even noon. I grinded my coffee beans, made rice milk, and made pineapple sorbets for a snack (ice and pineapple juice).

Yesterday I made sweet potato and red bean enchildadas. Yum. I snuck in some swiss chard, pureed it all together. Mark has consistancy issues on food, and Will won't eat beans (except hummus). But they all ate this! Mark was very, very hesitant - he has never eaten a sweet potatoe in his life. He LOVED it. Actually had seconds and didn't just eat because he had too. I made an enchilda sauce with fresh tomatoes and onions. So good. Of course, the recipe didn't call for it but I had to top the whole concoction with cheese.

On the road.

Ridiculous things I saw on the road yesterday:

A corvette with a middle age white guy driving and a license plate that said, "LIV2WIN." Whatever.

A bumper sticker:

10 out of 10 people die.
www.needgod.com

What a lousy reason to need God. I will never get that concept.

What are you addicted to?

We discovered this hot sauce while living in California - over ten years ago now. This was served at California 66 on C Street in Ventura, where we lived. Mark would go boogie boarding in the morning (I would watch fron the beach - that water is COLD!) and then we would head over there a sit on the patio to enjoy the best potato/egg/bacon stuffed burritos ever. Its spicy, sweet and a touch garlickly.

Oh, I can smell the salt air now. Sigh.

We can't eat a quiche or a burrito without it now and buy it in a case. A case used to last a year, but now lasts about 7 months.... we'll blame that on Will.

http://www.pepperplant.com/

Summer days

I have decided that Four and Two is Fun. We are really enjoying each other around here lately. It must be me. Heh. I am somewhat surprised, but oh so happy and relieved, about how well I've been, emotionally, lately.

Will has found his groove - at home, and INSIDE, which is a near miracle. He is having more and more tender moments toward his brother (though not always) and is playing more on his own than ever before (thank you Legos, and mommy's lingerie drawer). Mostly.

Even when crazy things happen, I am handling the stress better. The other day I had just prepared lunch and had our soup bowls (leftover Apple-Zuchinni Soup) and bread on the table. I ran upstairs to go to the bathroom and when I came down, I discovered that Will had taken each one of our soup bowls and tossed the contents out the back door. Out the back door!!!! Splat, right on the deck. All my work, the money for the organic veggies, the waste. On the deck. Now, in the past, I would have freaked out. I would have been angry with him, angry with myself, woes-me-the-world-is-ending kinda freak out. Well, I insisted he clean up his mess, I was very, very quiet about the whole ordeal, and very sad. Will took it all in, and was pretty forlorn about it all as well. I think it sunk in that I was not happy. Not a lot of words, no lectures. Just firmness about my expectations, and move on.

I have to admit, later thinking back, it was kind of funny. He just DID NOT like that soup. And really, it wasn't my favorite either. He just found a way to make it go away. I have to laugh about it now.

So for me, I have to say thank you to:

Taking my vitamins daily

and

Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Wow.

Explain to me..

The infatuation with poop and other bodily fulids? Jumping in your own poop CANNOT be that much fun. Or jumping in your brothers. I just don't get it. Neither can blowing snot boogers like canons out of your nose be so fulfilling.

I have more Vita-mix cooking bloggy stuff to write but won't combine it with such a disgusting post.

Feelin' crafty

I have the urge to start another project. I must resist and instead finish a UFO in my scrap closet. I cleaned out my craft closet - I'm ready to go....

This week....

Monday
Children's Song and Book Club. Owe Catherine $$ for cheese, give her fruit tray and millet burgers back!

Find a huge box to mail Denny all his squirt bottles back.

Make up burritos and soup.

Tuesday
Playdate in Shawnee. I haven't seen my high school/college friend in forever.
Baby card to Jennifer, "Fatherwise" book to Kevin, Camping book to Matthew....DO IT!!!!
Mail off this stuff and the package to Denny.

Check to see if Lake Farm School playdate is Wed. or Thursday.

Thats a lotta runnin' around. We were home all week last week. ALL WEEK! And all weekend! It has been great. I want to stay home, but I want to do all this fun stuff too. Sigh.

The boys love playing in the spot where the Zuchinni Use To Live. I want to plant spinach and beets soon, but they are enjoying the patch of dirt for now.






3 Preggo Boys



My New Vita-Mix
I want to rant and rave and talk about this more. But I am too busy cooking to blog about it. So far I have made peach sorbet, whole wheat bread, Blueberry/Acai smoothies, and tomato soup. Tommorow morning I think I'll make Date Shakes for breakfast. And make the pizza dough for dinner in it too. I'm loving it!

The Basil Tomato Soup With Cheese, before blended. Tomatoes and onion are from our CSA, and the basil from the garden:




And After:





BTW - the potatoes in the background are from our garden too. We had fun digging those out and cleaning them today.

Ahh... Breathing again.

Clearing schedules can be so liberating to me. Even when my days are full of really fun things to do. Today we were suppose to go The Children's Song toddler program (that Waldorf School in KC that I just decided I must go check out), and book club tonight. Tomorrow was to be more blueberry picking. Everything - cancelled! The boys need to be home.

Instead we jumped in puddles, played in the garden, snapped green beans and... got Will's hair cut! Pics to follow. It really was just a trim - out of his eyes.

It was a great day until about 4 pm when Will gets so exhausted he's falling over himself, hitting Jack, and throwing toys at me. I am working on getting him to understand that when his eyes and body are tired, he can lay down. Noooo way, he says. After getting pummeled with a couple more toys, I told him he will need to go in his room and lay down by himself to settle down. Tears followed as if I just said I was abandoning him. The Sleep Issue is such a freakin'.... Issue in this house. Actually, the real Issue is lack of Rhythm. But I hide behind the more noticeable and easier to blame Sleep Issue.

Tomorrow morning we will walk the 3 blocks to my sister's house and bake banana bread with cousin Reed and grandma, who will be babysitting.

Good Will Hunting

Mother Nurture
© Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and Jan Hanson, L.Ac. 2006

Building Good Will

I admit it: things annoy me. Like drivers who don't signal, or husbands who always get home later than they say they will. I wonder, what in the world were they were thinking?! Sometimes the world seems like it's run by very stupid people. I don't want to be a grouch, so I bite my tongue most of the time. But I know my attitudes leak out. Tell me something deeper than the usual pap about every cloud has a silver lining, love your neighbor, don't sweat the small stuff, blah blah.


Cranky, cranky!

But we get it. Things can be irritating. Daily life alone has its stresses, and since 9/11 it's seemed like there's more of a general uneasiness about how things are going that makes people more edgy and aggressive.

So you want something deeper? Here's a list of "21 Ways To Turn Ill Will to Good Will."

Introduction
ll will creates negative cycles. But that means that good will can create positive cycles. Plus good will cultivates wholesome qualities in you.

Avoiding ill will does not mean passivity, allowing yourself or others to be exploited, staying silent in the face of injustice, etc. There is plenty of room for speaking truth to power and effective action without succumbing to ill will. Think of Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, or the Dalai Lama as examples. In fact, with a clear mind and a peaceful heart, your actions are likely to be more effective.

How to prevent or transform ill will
1. Be mindful of the priming, the preconditions for ill will. Try to defuse them early: get rest, have a meal, get support, talk things out, distract yourself, etc.

2. Practice non-contention to undermine the heat that creates ill will. Don't argue unless you have to.

3 Inspect the underlying trigger, such as a sense of threat. Look at it realistically. Was something actually an "injury" to you? Be skeptical of your justifications.

4. Be careful about attributing intent to others. We are often just a bit player in their drama; they are not targeting us personally. Look for the good intentions beneath the action that made you feel mistreated. Look for the good in others.

5. Cultivate positive qualities like kindness, compassion, empathy, and calm. Nourish your own good will.

6. Practice generosity. Much ill will comes when we feel taken from, or not given to, or on the receiving end of another person's bad moment. Instead, consider letting the person have what they took: their victory, their bit of money or time, etc. Let them have their bad moment. Make a gift of forbearance, patience, and no cause to fear you.

7. Investigate ill will. Take a day, a week, a month - and really examine the least bit of ill will during that time. See what causes it . . . and what its effects are.

5. Regard ill will as an affliction upon yourself. It hurts you more than anyone.

6. Settle into awareness, observing the ill will but not identified with it, watching it arise and disappear like any other experience.

7. Accept the wound. Experience the feelings of it. Do not presume that life is not supposed to be wounding, Accept the unpleasant fact that people will mistreat you.

8. Do not cling to what you want instead of what you got.

9. Let go of the view that things are supposed to be a certain way. Challenge the belief that things should work out, that the world is perfectible.

10. Relax the sense of self, that it was "I" or "me" who was affronted, wounded.

11. Do religious or philosophical practices that cultivate love and goodness.

12. Resolve to meet mistreatment with lovingkindness. No matter what. Consider the saying: In this world, hate has never dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate.

14. Cultivate positive emotion, like happiness, contentment, or peacefulness. Positive feelings calm the body, quiet the mind, buffer against the impact of stressful events, and foster supportive relationships -- which reduce ill will.

18. Communicate. Speak (skillfully) for yourself, regardless of what the outcome may be. If appropriate, name your experience to release it; feel it as you speak it.
Try to address the situation with openness and empathy for the other person. Then you'll be freer and calmer to be more skillful.

19. Have faith that they will pay their own price one day for what they've done, and you don't have to be the justice system.

20. Realize that some people will not get the lesson no matter how much you try. So why burden yourself with trying to teach them? Further, many people will never actually experience your ill will - such as politicians. So why carry it toward them?

21. Forgiveness. This doesn't mean changing your view that wrongs were done. But it does mean letting go of the emotional charge around feeling wronged. The greatest beneficiary of forgiveness is usually yourself.


* * *

(Rick Hanson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson, M.S., L.Ac., is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 16 and 18. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the first and second authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

Poor Zuchinni Plant.

RIP dear zuchinni plant. I'm heartbroken - this was the pinnacle of my garden! LOL! We were getting a couple zuchinni every other day and enjoying them in salads, grilled, chopped, sauteed and roasted. Will has been in charge of pulling the zuchinni off the plant when they were ready and I think he pulled too hard one time and the whole plant became uprooted. Either that or rabbits got to it - I'm having a hard time figuring out what happened.

I am so bummed! My garden looked pretty complete but soon it will have a big barren patch where the plant was. Wah.

Anyone know what I can plant right now? Anyone?

Hailey Update

From my BIL:

They took Hailey off the isolator today at 1:00 PM. She is doing really
well. Her blood gases are good. She is on the ventilator now and trying to
breath over it on her own. They have it set for 40 and she is taking 25 more
on her own. Praise GOD she is doing really well. She will be on the
ventilator for at least a week. After that she will be breathing on her own.