I don't understand death. I don't understand the acceptance of the finality of it. Even when you know it is eminent, once it comes into your reality, it hits so deeply. I don't understand why it has to hurt, truly physically hurt, to die. I've been reading about the concept of "dynamic tension," and how basically we all grow and become more than what we are thru the struggle of uncertainty and difficulty. I like to think that those who struggle and hurt the most here in this realm go on to be our greatest Angels. There has to be a reason for so much suffering.

My mom's best friend of over 35 years is dying, painfully, of cancer. She will leave a man that it took most of her life to find (and who has supported her thru over 10 years of battling one cancer or another), and a newly married son who was hoping to give her a grandbaby before she died but at least gave her the satisfaction of knowing he married a good German girl.

She is still, barely with us. I don't know what I hope for her. I hope her well and that she can go back to the good life that took her over 40 years to finally get. I can't hope that she goes peacefully because she isn't. I can't hope she goes quickly because she hasn't. I don't want her to have any more pain. I don't want her loved ones to have any more pain. But once the pain is gone, what does that mean? What is left? What is left for Sam? My heart aches for him.

All I do know is that Marianne will be one knock out, tough, German frau of an Angel. I hope she can be an Angel soon.